Listening Is The First Step Toward Healing

by Eric Elkin

“Show me mercy, Son of David. My daughter is suffering terribly from demon possession.”

— Matthew 15:22b

I failed the California Achievement Test. If one sentence could sum up my entire elementary school experience, it would be this one line. My wife and her sisters will talk about their fond memories of elementary school. The joy in their voices reveals the enduring power of those experiences. My memories are a series of disappointments, failures, and swats.

The epitome of this experience was my 2nd Grade year. The California Achievement Test was a standardized test to assess student competence. Teachers were given strict guidelines about how to administer the test. They read a prepared script of instruction to the students. When the directions were delivered, the teacher started a timer, and the talking stopped.

Who knows what I was doing when my teacher started reading the instructions. I was an extremely hyperactive child, so it could have been a whole list of things. However, I missed the first part of the rules. When I raised my hand to ask a question, my teacher was in the middle of the script. She could not stop reading.

I kept my hand raised as she read. When she was done, I thought she would call on me. She did not. Instead, she started the timer and said, "No more talking." Frustrated, I spoke up, trying to get her attention, but she would not respond. I kept calling her name, but she would not even acknowledge my presence. Finally, I got so mad that I stood up and slammed my desk down. That got her attention, and it also got me a trip to the principal's office for five swats.

“When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.”

— Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

My adult self can look back and see both my errors and the teachers'. The swats I received had little immediate and (I think) long term impact. To me, they added a hilarious dimension to the story. I took a test to gauge my competence and got five swats with a paddle.

Can you imagine that parent-teacher conference? "What grade level is our son reading at?" What is the teacher going to say? "I don't know…between his temper tantrum and our beating the crap out of him, we forgot to test him."

The one enduring memory of that experience was the absolute frustration with not being heard. It was more than not being listened to, it was being ignored. That feeling is a recurring nightmare. It is my greatest fear. Even today, when I feel ignored, I fight every impulse to throw a temper tantrum.

I hate Jesus in today's reading. A vulnerable woman asks for mercy, and he ignores her. The woman persists. Each time she shouts, he ignores her. When she finally gets his attention, he does not care about her or her needs. All she wants is mercy, just enough to feed a dog. Every time I read this story, I find myself back in 2nd grade. I want to stand up and slam my desk.

We live in a world of ignored voices. People want to be heard from Black Live Matter protesters to police officers and unions. Medical research professionals, blue-collar workers, clergy, healthcare workers, the elderly, the young — take your pick, and they all feel unheard. What do these voices want? Mercy. The question I have is who will listen to them? I hope you will. And I hope I do is well. Listening is the first step toward healing.

Click to read Matthew 15: 21-28