Only Children Listen
All Conflict Resolution Depends On Listening
by Eric Elkin
“If he still won’t listen, tell the church. ”
What happens to us as we mature? Why don’t we retain the lessons we learned as children and apply them to our adult life? Every child is taught to listen. We reward children who listen and punish those who don’t. Sometimes the teaching process is dysfunctional, but the lesson is universal. So why, when we become adults, does listening become so difficult?
Perhaps, our adult selves do retain a lesson we learned as children. That is, listening is not an adult activity. It is something only required of children. If a child is taught to pay attention to the words of adults, but the adults pay little attention to the words of a child, it makes sense. Through our actions, we are teaching them one graduates from the practice listening.
Parents will always complain to me that their children do not listen to them. I don’t think this is true. Children cling tightly to every word a parent speaks. The problem is parents are adults. They live in a world where people do not listen. So they assume their children do not hear the words they speak. If you speak as though you will not be heard you can become reckless with your words.
The angriest people I have encountered in my life as a pastor are the ones who do not feel heard. These people will try to force a confrontation with you. The kind of confrontation where you feel you might get punched. I have learned over the years listening de-escalates the situation. Once a person feels heard, they are much more likely to respond positively to a solution.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply”
All conflict resolution depends upon listening. This is true of confrontations as small as two children fighting over a toy to nations on the brink of war. Yet, if adults think listening is only for children, they will turn to alternative solutions. Solutions they feel more comfortable practicing.
The most popular alternative to listening for conflict resolution is force. If you ever paused long enough to examine our culture you would discover how much we teach this lesson. Politicians get elected with promises to use force on people. Movies educate audiences that one hero with a gun can solve problems and establish lasting peace. What’s the problem with modern families? Parents are not hitting their children enough.
My heart breaks for Kyle Rittenhouse and his victims. They all learned a difficult, painful lesson. One person with a gun cannot solve a problem. They can, however, destroy lives. Three people are dead. Their deaths will impact the future of hundreds of family members and friends. One 17-year-old boy will be charged, but he will become a pawn of national debate. He will have to live the rest of his life with the truth. He took three lives and solved nothing.
What hit me about today’s scripture reading is that not even Jesus has a solution for people who will not listen. If Jesus doesn’t have an answer, what hope do we have? My prayer for this day, and my hope for tomorrow is that we will learn to listen before more people get hurt.
Click to read Matthew 18: 15-20
Reflection Questions:
How often do you listen to other voices?
When has listening, against your first impulse, helped solve a problem?
Have you ever found yourself desiring to punish as a way of solving a problem?
Where do you find people teaching peace to help create order?
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